My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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