A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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