I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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