I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
