I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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