Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
