Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
