i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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