I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
