i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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