No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
