With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
