i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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