Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
