omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
this boner is exhausting
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
