walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
