The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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