Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i drank out of a bidet.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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