you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
