I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
