my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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