I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
