is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
