So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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