worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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