checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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