I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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