I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
