I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
