I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
