first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
