I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
