Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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