Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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