I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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