Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
