if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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