the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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