Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
