sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
