I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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