my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Terrible idea I love it
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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