my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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