My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Holy shit dude........stairs
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
