He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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