he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Still dying that you shit outside
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
