The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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