Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
