My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
