Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
