I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
